The Open Wound

 In Japan dozing anywhere from in Parliament to business meetings is allowed.  It’s called inemuri, which literally means “to be asleep while present”.

The custom is partly a result of how commitment to a job is judged in Japan, says Dr Brigitte Steger.  Inemuri is viewed as exhaustion from working hard and sacrificing sleep at night.  Many people fake it to look committed to their job.

Not me, I have no reason to fake inemuri (or to look committed to my job) and can often be found actually asleep, while present, at my desk.  If you prop yourself up with a stack of files and narrow your eyes into little more than slits so that the light can’t get in, you can usually get a couple of hours kip before some idiot wakes you with work, fire-drill or similar trivia. Obviously, the racial characteristic of narrower eyes is a big advantage to your Japanese inemuri practitioner, as is the balancing skill learned by following various oriental relaxation arts.  Most western workers are lacking in these areas, although a good solid beer-gut can lower ones centre of gravity.

There have been occasions when unsympathetic colleagues have taken advantage of an inemui disciple.  Robert Location, a clerk from Vodaphone, was wheeled on his office seat out of the building, and onto a farm truck going to Smithfield Market.  As his three wheeled, high backed, executive chair spun wildly amongst sixty three Beaulah Speckled Faced sheep he woke and with a blood-curdling scream burst from the back of the truck onto the inside lane of the M25.  Only then did he realise that he was stark naked except for a sign saying “Sheep Shagger” stuck onto his privates.

Despite this, I would urge you to give inemuri a go.  When your boss finds you asleep at your desk and realises you are exhausted from over work he will reward you with praise, cash and promotion. 

Then you will feel the true satisfaction of the inemuri master.  You may even find he insists you spend more time at home practising.

 Capricorn
Russell Grant’s Astrological prediction.

A person who has recently left school could come up with some intelligent observations today. Spending a few hours with someone you’ve not had a lot to do with in the past could be surprisingly enlightening. If you’re in a position of leadership, taking time to find out what’s going on in the background could be to your advantage. Keeping a low profile will help your cause. Later, a silly mistake may make you look foolish.

That’s amazingly accurate!

My son who left school very recently (at about 3.20pm actually), made the intelligent observation that Astrology is a heap of crap.

Then I spent a few hours with my wife, a person I have not had a lot to do with in the past, only to be surprisingly enlightened to find that she thinks Russell Grant is a fatuous, over paid, insincere conman.

I’m not in a position of leadership, but if I was, I reckon it would definitely be to my advantage to find out what’s going on in the background.  For example; if I was leading an expedition to the North Pole, and in the background a Polar bear was stalking us.  And if that was the case, keeping a low profile would definitely help my cause.

How Russell keeps knocking out these pearls, I really don’t know! 

Oh, hang on a minute  – I’ve just seen it says ‘Capricorn’, that’s not me, I’m a Taurus.
Now I just look foolish.

Spiderman is answering a call for help from St Confidence’s High School.  He swings down and approaches the privately employed guard who is barring the main entrance.

“Stand aside mere mortal, Spiderman is here!”

“Have you got two forms of ID, one with a photo’ and one with your private address?” asks the guard. 

“No.  I don’t carry that sort of thing with me.”

“You’re not coming in here then, sunshine.”

“But I’m on my way to a crime – to rescue one of your students from Dr Octopus!”

“The only crime around here is the crime of you having no ID in a potential Money Laundering situation.”

“But this is a school, why would there be Money Laundering?” says an outraged Spiderman.

“Listen sunshine, it’s more than my job’s worth to let people in here with no ID, let alone people in masked costumes and embarrassingly snug tights.”

“But what do you need to know about me?”

“Well I can see you’re not Jewish,” said the guard, staring pointedly at the front of his Spidey pants “but I also have to see the aforementioned ID.”

“Everyone knows me, I’m Spiderman!  Look I can do this!”
Spiderman ejects some web fluid from his wrist onto a passing first year student.

“Being able to fire strings of what appears to be mucus from tubes in your wrist is not a form of identification that appears on my list, sir.”

Spiderman takes the list and examines it.
“But if I show you any of these things, you’re going to know who I am!”

“That’s correct; I think you’re getting the idea now, sir.”

“Well, if I can’t get in, at least tell me if Dr Octopus is in there.”

“No, can’t do that sir.  That would be an invasion of privacy and besides, how am I supposed to know if he’s in there?”

“He is a megalomaniac who has four additional arms attached to his torso, each of which is twelve feet long and has a deadly weapon at the end.  He has a haircut like Elton John, bottle glass spectacles and he leaves a trail of destruction and fear in his wake.  Have you let him in?”

“I honestly can’t remember, sir, but rest assured that if he’s in there killing students, he’s definitely got two forms of ID.”